his is my story of what I experienced during the abuse scandal within CAYA caused by Jessica Matthews. I have sorted through my diaries, emails, text messages, conferred with other people who are present. I have reviewed everything I believe and understood through my psychiatrist, psychologist, a licensed clinical social worker, and a marriage and family therapist. While working with all these people, one dear friend helped me crystallize the final piece and by doing so, brought everything into focus a few weeks ago. This is a personal statement about my experiences and my perceptions. They are mine alone. My purpose in writing this is for myself. I need to put this out so that I can move on now. It is time to rebuild, and start anew.
Why now and not earlier? Because I finally saw how conditioned I was and the pattern of isolation that she used to cut me off from friends and family. I see now how she took advantage of me when I was weak and broken. Leading up to my divorce and after facial reconstruction she had convinced me that my husband was abusive, and that he was using me. That he was an awful person. That's easy to do when my brain was shutting down due to health issues. I trusted her and asked for advice. She isolated me from my husband. My friends, the other men in the men's group, the council, my teachers, and mentors, and later from my boyfriend, my best friends. Anybody that could have helped me and discover what she was doing she cut me off from.
She made me feel like I didn't belong anywhere. But that was OK according to her, because she understood me, even if nobody else did. The council may not have faith in me, but she believed in me. Meanwhile she's telling the council things about me from my personal life with enough spin to escape a black hole. Trying distance them from me by implying a lack of character and inner strength. I didn't realize that she had convinced me that I didn't fit anywhere, and that no one understood me.
With chronic pain, mobility issues, neuropathy, cognitive difficulties, depression, anxiety, and mild PTSD, I was an easy target. It's no wonder she could easily do this to me as she was my teacher, my trainer, my mentor, my guide, she knew all of my inner hurts - and how to use them against me. I didn't feel like I belonged with the victims who had left the coven, I didn't feel like I belonged to the people who remained, I didn't feel like I really belonged anywhere. I should say I didn't feel like I would be accepted... I felt like those victims who had left would be angry with me, after all she had led me to understand that nobody understood me like her.
I lost most of my social group in my divorce. The Green Men disbanded at her suggestion, and the men's moons were even discontinued as I felt it was financially irresponsible to pay for the space for just me to attend a men's ritual if I didn’t know if anybody else would show up. My hive classmates scattered, some resigned, some went on sabbatical, all of them damaged. My mentors and the teachers in the coven were some of the most damaged and I couldn't speak to them, so I did what I could to help people heal. I listened to their stories. I believe them and what they said. I tried my best to help, but still, I didn't feel like I belonged. And then conversation a couple of weeks ago made it all crystal clear. I had been conditioned and I had been isolated. It was leftover conditioning, leftover damage and hurt, leftover pain and fear. After reviewing this all with my professionals they concurred. So let me share a few things as I understand them.
She insinuates, and implies things in a way that helps out her agenda. ”Don't speak with that person on sabbatical - they need a total break. If you do speak of them it would be bad for them.” Another example "this person is living in some bad conditions at home with their children. If I were a mandatory reporter I would be forced to call and report them but, I'm bound by confidentiality so I can't..." She said that, knowing full well that as a nurse I am a mandated reporter and I realized that she was trying to get me to call on somebody within the coven based on what she said alone. After checking around, turns out it wasn't true.
One time I asked her for advice about changes to a ritual that the men's group was doing and she said something like, “that's a wonderful idea. you should totally do that. It sounds great,” and then after I did that some of the other men came to her to discuss the ritual and she said things like, “that's a terrible thing. He should not have done that. I can totally understand that was the wrong thing to do and you have every right to be upset.” Yet when I talked to her later, she was on my side playing us against each other. Then later she suggested that we needed to have a mediated conversation with her as the mediator. So of course we did and she comes out looking like the hero and we both lost trust in each other over something that she fabricated just so she could look like a hero.
At one point, she tried to force a person who was training with me in my hive to move out of their house because she disliked one of the other people that was living there. This conversation happened in front of me and my entire hive training group and she said that if they didn't move out of that house that they couldn't continue training or be a part of CAYA. Separately and at different times, she implied and insinuated in front of other people that both my ex-husband and my current boyfriend were abusive. She continue to talk about moving me in with other people so that I could be taken care of, and I kept mentioning my boyfriend. She would just not answer and if I brought things up with her directly that she didn't like, the conversation never turned out in my favor... She always has to be right, you cannot argue with her, and she always knows best.
There is a pattern in her method of arguing and in winning a conversation. Here is another example.
Me: I was uncomfortable with the speech that you just gave in the ritual you said men or all men try to take power from women and/or doing bad things in general. I noticed that other men present looked uncomfortable and embarrassed. Can you maybe change the language so it's not lumping them together.
Her: I don't really understand what you mean. I didn't say that. perhaps you misunderstood.
Me: *repeats part of sermon that made the men uncomfortable.*
Her: I never said that and if it makes you uncomfortable then it sounds like you need to do some work around that issue. I never said it like that and I can't believe you would think I would do something like that. As your mentor and your high priestess, I'm offended that you could think such things of me.
Me: I'm only talking about the phrasing from that…
Her, interrupting: It is obviously your issue and not mine. What I said was different and as such I will now have to draw a boundary between us. As it is your issue and not mine, you will have to deal with it. I am not going to allow you to foist your problems on to me. I am fine with what I have said.
Me: Wait, what I don't have any issues with…
Her, speaking over me again: I am more than happy to help you with unpacking these issues later and I'm happy that you brought these to my attention. I will think on it and see how I can help you with it at a later time. Right now I have to go. Have a blessed day.
First she denies, then she attacks you, not the issue. I guess they call it a pivot nowadays. She refocuses on a personal attack against you then invokes her authority, as well as personal boundaries. Then she offers to help you with your problem and thanks you for bringing it to her attention. Then she makes her exit. Seems kind of like shock and awe combined with a pivot.
I'd also like to say something about the men's group. The Green Men were the ones who managed and put on the Brotherhood of the Moon's rituals. She suggested that the men's moons should be combined with the women's moons. There were objections that if the men are seeking a place to explore the masculine divine with other men in a safe space within a predominantly goddess centered culture, they would not show if there women attending. It was pointed out, that it would drop attendance and stall the growth in numbers that the men's moons had been recently enjoying. This proved to be the case. By the time the experiment was over, the attendance in the men's only moons was back down at the bottom. She also decided, in her infinite wisdom, that one of the women from the women's tradition should oversee the men's group. Somebody like a manager, who we had to let know how things were going and what we were up to. She also played us off of each other. At one point, when we were having an all-hands men's meeting to determine the future of the Green Men and other business, she showed up to mediate and help facilitate the meeting. In the process, she suggested the best thing to do would be to disband the group and then start over again. One of the reasons that we ended up dispersing was because of all the hard feelings she created between the men. And a lot of those hard feelings, I have found out after the fact came from her lying to us about each other and keeping us from communicating by separating us and having us talk to her. I have no doubt that she dismantled the Green Men intentionally, slowly over time.
When things started to fall apart with CAYA, I had people stop me from getting involved due to my brain damage, slow processing speeds with both verbal and written communication - my anxiety and chronic pain, along with my medication make me an easy target. I did what I could to keep my head down and support others where I could. I listened. I believed. I watched as, one-by-one, people burned out, gave up, couldn't deal anymore, left to take care of themselves. Some left because they didn’t feel believed or just couldn't take it anymore, “I didn't sign up for this” and it felt like a war zone. I needed to go back on medication for anxiety to cope with some of the mess that was left behind by her. Only in the aftermath had it become clear that she had done this.
I had just not realized emotionally what it meant for me until now. I had not seen the pattern of abuse and control that she had caused in my life. I thought I had gotten off light. Then the patterns slowly started showing up and now I get it. I'm free of her at last. I highly recommend professional help if she has affected your life. If you don't have insurance that covers mental health and live in California, there is a program to get help for free or greatly reduced cost. I believe it may be called California Mental Health Services.
I wanna say a couple of things briefly about the phrase "witch wars.” It marginalizes conflict within the community and allows people to turn a blind eye to abuse. Those injured feel further isolated by people labeling it “just a witch war.” How can those injured reach out if you belittle them and their hurts? It's a dismissive term and one that allows abuse to hide in plain sight. Please just think about that... And for those who at the end of this say, “well you would never have had some of the experiences that you had if it weren't for her invitations and guidance,” you're correct, but that in no way factors into the conversation of abuse of power, or abuse at all. Here's a parallel example: if a man flies you to Paris, takes you to the top of the Eiffel tower at midnight for private dinner, and has your name written across the sky in fireworks, it is a magical and amazing evening. Then he takes you back to a 5 star hotel with champagne in the presidential suite and then beats the crap out of you, it's still wrong. It's still abuse. No matter what he has done for you before he brought you to the hotel, the abuse is still wrong. It's very simple.
In the past she has repeatedly said things like, “the patriarchy is attacking strong, independent, empowered, female leaders and trying to tear us down” when I look around at the pagan community, I see many strong, empowered, independent women leading. Most of them are women that she tried to tear down. It is not the patriarchy causing her problems, She is causing her problems. It is her own behavior that is the issue.
Some years ago I was invited to participate at the Night of a 1000 Crowns - I believe that was what is was called. My part was to sit on the stage as one of the individuals who would have the divine feminine, the goddess, called into them. We were to act as living statues, as vessels for Her light. I didn't know what to expect and was just told I was to be like a living statue and a vessel for the goddess. She asked me to do this part and it was she to be the one who called the goddess down into me when the time was ready. She stood behind me with her hands on my shoulders as we waited until it was time, and then everything is a bit blurry. I can tell you that when I open my eyes, I was full of love, compassion, peace, and understanding. So many emotions and each one specific to each of the attendants who approached me. They were mostly women, and while I sat as a statue, I saw so many tears. Some were tears of joy and some of them tears from something I couldn't name or understand. And as they each approached and threw flowers at my feet and I sat there, this shell filled with life, and light and song, helping these attendees heal, and see within me that which they needed to see. After the ritual was done I asked for some of the flowers that were offered at my feet and I also asked for the simple green cotton fabric that had been draped over the chair I was sitting on. Thank you again to the lovely lady that the fabric belonged to, for she agree to let me have it. Even today I have dried flowers saved and I have the green cotton fabric. I wrap it around myself and times for a reminder of the feelings that I had that day. It was incredibly humbling opportunity to be in the presence of something so magically healing. My world shifted that day and it started me upon the path of understanding my obligation to use my privileges as a white cis-gender man to use my voice, to ensure that the voice of others can be heard, and to do so without telling the stories of those people for them. I remember telling people after the ritual, “now I understand why statues of the Virgin Mary cry.” It truly shifted my paradigm that day.
And now the reason I tell you this story. Jessica invited me to this event. She was the one who stood at my back, kept me grounded, and called the divine feminine into me. I will not have her presence in this memory alter it for me after the fact. This event in my life was between myself, the divine, and the participants. It was between me, the goddess, and those people who threw flowers at my feet. I will not let her tarnish moments of joy and strength just because she was present. She does not get that power over me. I will not make myself weaker by throwing out a memory that helps me grow and change for the better just because she was there. She isn't going to get that from me.
I've grown so much with CAYA. I would not have had the strength to have facial reconstruction surgery that I needed to stop brain damage without CAYA’s support. They helped me to rebuild myself from a broken mind with missing memories and then they helped me grieve after a divorce, and yet again after getting hit by a bus. They patiently helped me heal up and find myself again. I miss CAYA. I miss my friends, CAYA did these things. My friends did these things. I know that CAYA is effectively ended as it moves on to become something else. I miss so many people. And knowing what I do now, I have no idea if any of what she told me about why people left is true. I was an easy victim. I am writing this for me. I hope it does someone out there some good, I just needed it to be out there so I can close the book cover on this whole mess. It is time for me to sleep, tomorrow is Pantheacon. Maybe I can track down some old friends and see how they have been.
Jey
Thanks to Susan and Brian for editing and proofing for me . Giant hugs
