Like rain my tears fall upon letters and my moist fingers construct wisdom from a soggy land.

In my mind fruit is born from this land and flows upon this page. The beginning is simple. The end is not.

I am a Man and today I weep.

I weep for myself and the obstacles I can not overcome. I cry from my pain and weep for my pride. I struggle with a body in pain that will not obey my mind and a mind that is clouded by this struggle and the medications that try to aid it. Yet a broken body and broken mind still can see the truth. Even while they heal I can see fear in the world. Even in my weakened state I still see this fear. Fear of me. Fear of my sex. Fear of Men.

Fear. This causes the most damage in the world. Fear of what will happen when you tell the truth leads to a lie. Fear of the unknown can lead to harsh decisions and judgments that are often made in error. As a man I see it directed towards me and it sickens me. It angers me, and it makes me cry. I can see in others eyes fear, and it is not fear of the unknown. It is not fear that I have caught them in a lie. It is not the disdain I receive from others due to my cane. Nor the pity I have seen in furtive glances at my leg braces. It is not even close to the looks I have received when hobbling quickly to catch a bus, with my hair standing up from the wind. That is a startled look with a touch of fear towards a crazy man. This is different. It is a distinct flavor of fear I have seen before. It leaves a metallic taste in my mouth and sadness in my heart. My chest tightens and my stomach cramps. They have been taught that I am going to hurt them. They have been hurt by, and now fear, men. They fear me. A simple sideways step and look at my face can give it away. Those whose eyes never fall to my cane or body. They see my face and know I am a man. Then I see fear well up behind their eyes. Most keep it hidden well. I see them steel themselves and close up. But, behind those brightly painted shutters, those false eyes, lies the truth. Fear. And, most of the time someone put it there. And, I am pissed about it.

As a man it is my place is to teach, nurture, respect, and guard.

And so, I cry for the women who fear me just because I am a man. I weep for the children who expect a kick from me. I have tears for even the other men who have the mark, the subtle tell, that they too have been abused. I cry for those who have been hurt deeply and may never be able to see past my sex. I am weary of a world where I am expected to be aggressive just because of my gender. Seeing fear in someones eyes directed at me just cuts me to my core. I shed tears for those who have been so hurt by men that I can never reach out to comfort them. I will never be able to try and help them. It will only raise their fear and cause more pain. I know that role will be filled by someone else. Yet, I somehow feel responsible for this hurt they have received. How many times in the past did I not stop something I knew was wrong? How many times when I was younger did I feed into this cycle without knowing any better? As one who grew up in a culture of violence I did not know any better. I do now. I make no excuses for my youth and work to make amends. I have learned from my past. Still, I cry for the things I have done in my youth. For the pain I caused others.

Fear creeps into the world from many places. I am not so narrow in my focus to think all of the worlds ills are due to men. Yet the "Might makes right" still seems to prevail too often from where I stand. That is true stem of this problem. The abuse I see is not only in interpersonal relations it is in government, it is in corporations, it is an attempt at control. All of it creates fear. I really do know that not all of this is due to men, and not all of it from these circumstances. Here I am I am speaking specifically about fear towards men. I have personally seen the dynamic switched, where my friends wife beat the crap out of him for years. I never knew. I found out only after his divorce years later, and only from a third party.

So, fear is still there, and a large amount of it is caused by men. As a true man I am Angry at these so called men who use violence to bolster their own sense of self. Those who control others through fear are wrong. Men who beat others, who intimidate and manipulate others, who encourage the perpetuation of this behavior are not truly men. They are children in a grown mans body playing at being a man. They do not understand responsibility, love, or respect. They fail to grasp that true control comes only from within. Self control is the only control you have. You never have control of the world around you. For them I weep just as much as I do for their victims. I cry out in frustration when I see others give up their own power to these men. I know that there are situations where it is very difficult, and may seem impossible to get out. Do not let this continue. Eventually there will be a way. Do not let them continue. By staying you teach them that it is okay, and then you believe it is okay. It is not. I weep for the system that often blames the victim for the crime and refuses to step in and help. Abuse and domestic violence should never be tolerated. Everyone should remember that you are not powerless, you have only given your power away. Take it back. Please.

As a man I am a healer, guide, leader and follower. I respect all who I encounter in my life. They rise or fall by their own actions. I speak out, I teach, I try to get others to understand. But, I tire of the ears that do not hear, and the eyes that will not see. I am a man and I persevere, struggle on, and I weep for those that can not see or hear the truth. So I ask other men, Why do you allow this to continue? Why feed into this fear? You have a responsibility. Call someone out when they act a fool. If you feel uncomfortable when they do something stupid then you know it is wrong. Stop them, teach them, and if they refuse then leave them. I will not be friends or acquaintances with people who perpetuate fear. Humiliation = Fear. Intimidation = Fear. Bullying = Fear. And, Fear = Control. Ask yourself if you would want these men around your children, Wife, Husband, Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Mother, Father, Sister, or Brother. Do you want someone trying to control you, your family, or friends through fear? Do you want them to fear men? Maybe fear you? Think about it...

Every day I think about my actions and how they will effect those around me. I am respectful and kind. And yet I struggle at times to see the true person behind the masks that we all wear. I push aside my disdain for the flashy and coiffed person whose watch costs more than my rent. I ground my resentment at the lady who is wearing jewelry that could likely pay off my student loans. They are people who make their own choices in life and are worthy of my respect even if they choose not to notice me at all. Even these who can live beyond my means carry the pain of abuse. I wish them no ill for their hard work or difference of lifestyles. I have seen marks and tells upon them as well. I have seen them on people from all walks of life. Some more than others. I work to show the world what a kind and gentle man who is still strong without violence looks like. I cry for those that are hurt simply for the lives they choose to live. The brave souls who are born into bodies ill suited for them, be it there gender, sex, physical disability, or mental disability. I weep for those who have been ill treated by life through no fault of their own, or even if by their own choices, the drug addicts, those lamed or injured through life, those malnourished and hungry, those without basic education or skills. There are tears for those who are simply seen differently and misunderstood, whether by skin color, accent, religious belief, gender, sex, orientation, by any label placed upon them. I do not try to be politically correct beyond what I can be. I do not always have the words. I am a simple man who speaks only with the words that I do have that come from my heart. I do not call out labels above to place them in boxes, rather to free them. The labels should not matter. All are people and all are sacred. Some day the world will understand this. That is my goal and hope. I work with two groups towards this goal. One I lend my energy and thoughts to an the other I am a member of. I am a founding member of The Fathers of Change and we work closely with The Mothers of the New Time. We attempt to change the world for the better through our hearts and mind. I encourage all who feel as I do to look into these movements.

My tears soak my shirt and seep into my skin. My tears, the expression of my soul, support me as I falter. They cradle me and hold me. I sit and they sooth me. Eventually they slow and the warm salty taste on my lips reminds me of the ocean and I feel refreshed . My salty shirt clings to my chest and I feel supported and uplifted. I am a man and I will cry. I will weep, and I will sob. Then I will stand back up and go out into the world and fight for the things I believe in. I have no shame from this. It gives me strength. It gives me focus. It gives me drive. I am a man, I am also a person, and a human being. I have sisters and brothers out there who need to have a safe space, who need to learn what it means to be safe, and who need to accept that they can be safe with themselves and with others. Only then will they truly be able to cry without shame. They will then learn the strength that can come from tears. 

Lessons

There are things you learn in life because you choose to. There are things you learn in life because they are taught to you by others. Then there are the things in life you learn that the universe shows you. Her teachings tend to tilt the world on its side.

I am still in pain. My medications have been doubled and they help. The effect of this is an odd wave of mental disconnect that hits about 4 hours after I take each dose. It does not last very long most of the time. Maybe half an hour to an hour on a good day. It does seem to make time stop though.

Stopping time. Stopping the entire concept of linear movement in a constructed system that separates Now from Then. Only knowing each moment as the only moment and not even being to guess that there may be some other moment that you have passed or that you may go to.  Living in the moment, in that breath, and during that heartbeat. I hate it and love it at the same time.

I can not function like this. I found myself at the store yesterday searching for a binding agent in something I wanted to bake, but I could not use eggs as I was cooking for a vegan. So I thought of some other ideas, and decided to go out and look at a local small grocer a block away. My medications hit that wave while I was there. I can honestly say that I never knew that there were so many different kinds of flour. And, like a five year old I studied them all intently, with wonder and that serious look on my face like children get when they are really thinking about something. I was enthralled by flour and I was not even there to look for it.

I was in a moment where only the flour mattered. I was only thinking about how I could use it, what would it taste like, how would it feel, what would the texture be like, how would it rise, how course would it be....and on and on. Forty-five minutes later Brian called me on my cell phone and snapped me out of my reverie. It was sad to lose that moment, and also relieving. I do not like being washed away from myself without control or consent. It does have some advantages though.

I have started trying to use those feeling and experiences during my meditations.These experiences help me still my mind. When I say "still my mind," I mean to think of nothing, I create a void or blank space and just slow my thoughts until they stop. My conscience hangs there in nothingness. Only that space exists. I can actually stop all of my thoughts, no worries, no bills, no pain, no stress......but only for a handful of seconds. I can still my mind for the space of less than a dozen heartbeats. But I enjoy it and need it to cope with the world at times.

The lesson I see here from the universe is to learn how to take those moments, the ones when I can not even think a single thing due to my medication, and incorporate them into my meditation. This is my lesson and what I choose to do with this struggle. There is another lesson I am learning. The hidden one in the background. That one that makes some people grind their teeth. Patience. Something I have never been good at. Odd is it not? It will take time to learn how to stop time.... Got to love how the universe works. She sure has a sense of humor....

Struggling with The Now

Tonight my coven gathered for a solstice celebration. I should have been there. I wanted to be there. Instead I was at home. In pain. Worried about "what might be" and angry or stressed about "what has been".

To put it briefly for those who don't know. I was in an accident with a bus last November. I was crossing the street at a stop sign when a city bus rear ended a car I was walking in front of. With no warning, no clue, my life turned upside down. Mind you, it was never really that right side up to start with. The accident snapped my left ACL and messed up my back and shoulders. I didn't realize how badly until earlier this week when I looked at my MRI. Mind you I am an LVN, not a doctor, but I have a ruptured disk and likely a damaged one below that. The S1-L5 is the most damaged and painful back injury.

This prevents me from doing almost anything around the house. Washing dishes happens in short stints. Doing laundry requires asking the Boyfriend to carry laundry down to, and from, the washing machine in the complex's garage. Taking out trash is almost not thinkable. Here is the worst part. I could do many of these things a few months ago. I thought I was getting better. I was not. I was getting worse. So here I am, unable to sleep because of pain, typing away.

Now that I have covered the catch up phase let us get to the thing I have been musing about. The Now. I want to be in the moment, and in this place. I want to be able to pay attention to what I am doing so that I can do it with intent. But, what do you do when it sucks? I find myself being bitter about the past and it tugs at my mind. I am obsessing about things that happened that I can't change and it distracts me from what is in front of me. I am being angry at people that don't matter any more and scared by the things that may happen.  I keep forgetting the things that I need to be focused on here and the people that I care about now. True sometimes I dreams of good things that may happen. But, I am almost always anywhere but now and almost always anywhere but here.

I understand it on some level. Pain does things to the way you think. My nursing training, my work experience and my personal life experience tells me this. But it is entirely different when the person in pain is you, and you have been in pain for months. Constant pain, even low levels of pain, wear you down. I think low levels of pain are worse than the high level "screaming my head off" pain because you can try to ignore it. You can be in denial. After a while your mind starts to wander to places other than the pain, to times other than when you have the pain. *shrug* It makes sense to me.

So, here is the question. What do you do when you want to be focused on the here and now, yet you are also in pain? Meditation works well for me, but tends to lead down a path to sleep. So, that is probably better for pain management. Distraction like reading a book or playing a game can help but that doesn't get much done. I need to be able to do constructive thinking, processing, and planning. I have a life to live and I can't do it if I am always somewhere else. Pain doesn't seem very considerate of my life

 When you are in pain The Now can be a very scary place. It is filled with difficulty doing small things like putting on your shoes or bending over to put your pants on. There are shameful things, like hiding your pain from your friends because it makes them uncomfortable. And, there are pride wounding things, like not being able to pick up your wallet at the store when you drop it. Don't forget all the little things like not being able to run to catch the bus if you are late, or the looks you get when you stay seated on that crowded bus and some poor old lady is struggling in front of you with a lurching crazy bus ride. I could go on and on... But, the issue is not the problems it is the result of the problems, the effect. How and why would you want to stay in any of these moments when you are fighting through a haze of pain just to be there?

Oh, I think I may have been going about this the wrong way. I am not struggling with The Now, I am struggling with the pain. By not accepting my pain and working within the scope of what it lets me do I guess I just don't get much done. Or, maybe it's better to say, I shouldn't feel badly because my pain limits the way I have to live my life. I need to learn how to live within the constraints of what I can reasonably do and not beat myself up for what is beyond my ability. It's my life, I will live it my way. If I am slower than other people then so be it. If I have to ask for help then I will. I suspect I will be much happier if I do what I can to my fullest rather than try to over reach or hold myself up to an ideal that I can not physically conform to. That just requires a lot of shifting in my way of thinking. And, until I come to terms with it, it will block my way to living in the moment, to being in The Now. This may take a while. *sigh*  Such is life. And, a new journey begins...

I could have edited out parts of this as I came to the end as to not make myself appear so silly. I only realized as I was typing this what I was truly having a problem with. I leave it whole and intact so those of you with people in your lives who struggle with constant pain may understand a little of what it may be like. It is my way of sharing what I am learning as I go down this specific road.

Gatekeeper

Liminal Darkness

Sitting in the dark while the world is still sleeping is a magical thing. This time of night/morning, this time of transitions, somehow feels personal. It feels like it belongs to me alone, like I am the only person in the world. Sadly I only seem to come here when I am in pain. This pain can be physical, as it is now, or emotional, as it is often. It is a place that I wish I could visit more often when things or going well. Here is the world found after waking from nightmares. This is the place you find yourself in when you wake super early to catch a flight. It is a time of waking up early to finish that term paper, or staying up late to finish reading the required manuscript before a test. This is a time of internal thoughts becoming external. It is a time of liminal space. I can honestly say it is a magical time that belongs to me, just as it belongs to all of you. And, it is better than any movie or book has ever tried to make it out to be. I think I will try and spend more time here on purpose. That thought of, If I only had a little more time in the day, can come true. I will plant seeds of wonder and joy here and see what happens. Will I write a book? Will I create masterworks of art? Will I transform myself into who I am becoming? Who knows? *shrug* But, it will be fun trying.

Gatekeeper

What was I thinking?

A short update as I have gotten far behind with Pantheacon and other out of town events. I am continuing my tarot a day, but seem to be getting the messages from the cards later and later in the day. Sometimes it takes reflection for me to grasp the underlying meaning, and by the time I do it is far past bedtime. I will continue to post my exploration of the cards, but will do it more slowly. Just a heads up.

Charge of the Dark God

I often take long walks at night with a hot cup of tea and my cellphone, and wander through the city. It is a time to reflect, think, and heal. While the world around me slumbers I take the time to walk through dark places and collect my thoughts about my life. Walking about in the dark brings me a feeling of solitude and sense of completion to my day. What may start as a sun filled busy morning often ends the same way, with a feeling of being hurried and never getting enough done. Away from my computer and out of my apartment I can feel at peace for a few minutes each night while silently walking the streets.

There are a few things that I have begun to learn on my walks. While I may be alone, I am never alone. My shadow is constantly in attendance with me on these lovely walks. He is always listening and watching. He has no voice to the outside world but mine. He cannot act on his own. His movements are complimentary to mine, and never in conflict. He exists only in that moment. For all that he may seem powerless, I feel there are lessons to learn from him.

In my musing upon my shadow one night my mind flashed to the Charge of the Sun God, by the Lady Yeshe Rabbit. This piece has become an important part of my journey into the pagan world. I realized that just as the sun casts light through the day, at night, the light from the moon is an older and more well traveled version of the same light. It is just delayed in its journey as it stops by the moon on its way first. With that thought I began looking for the lessons and wisdom of the Sun God at night. This led to my creation of the Charge of the Dark God. It is written to be a companion piece to the the Charge of the Sun God, to be read following it. But, it easily stands on its own.

Charge of the Dark God

Look within for the wisdom of the Sun God.
The rays of whose fingers stretch across the earth
Whose shadows reveal the secrets of life.

I am the shade of the mountain
and the bed of the rushing river
and the mark of the sacred arrow
and the prey of the wild hunt.

Call unto your soul, "Let go!" And, follow your heart.
For I am the spirit of illumination that grants insight to the souls of all.

By my light journey forth into the Mysteries,
and in your shadow,
seek your destinations and personal truths.

From before my light of flame and sun,
let your shadow stretch to the horizon,
and it's wisdom whisper to your soul.

For behold! All quests of knowledge and truth are my ritual!

Therefore let there be:

Grace within stillness,
Understanding within peace,
Poise within joy,
and vision within restraint
throughout you.

And those of you who seek to know me, know this:
Your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know your divine self.
For if that which you seek you find not in this world,
then you must turn within to create it.

For behold, I have been within you from the beginning ,
and am the moment of between in all things,
ever existing in the past, future and always in the now.

-Gatekeeper Jey, copyright 2012

Old friends and phone calls

As I was working with the Ace of Wands energy today and mulling over what that could mean I got a phone call from an old friend. Actually one of my oldest friends. As we talked I remembered some of our time together when we lived in the same city and all of the fun and trouble we got into while running around. He is a wonderfully adjusted man who is going through problems that many other people face out in the world right now. He lost his house in the mortgage crunch, he and his wife have been struggling with unemployment on and off the last few years, and they have been hit with some pretty hard family problems.

The thing that struck me most through the hour long conversation was that he was still upbeat. He still had joy in his life from somewhere. He was happy. I found that I envied him that happiness. As we continued talking and we compared our lives and he asked about mine, and pulled out little details since we last talked, I realized that he was happy for me. How could he be happy for me when I struggled with all the things in my life? I realized that my unhappiness was not my feeling of now, but a feeling of then. I had been holding on to things from my past that by recounting and filling him in on the missed time resurfaced.

I realized that as our conversation moved from the past to the present and our future plans I was happy. I was joyful at the things I was planning to do, and where I was at this moment in my life. He was living in the moment through our whole conversation. He could see my moment while we were talking. He took joy in where I was. Sean, my old friend, thank you for reminding me of the joys of now. For helping to see this moment for what it is. A constant beginning. Now is a joyous thing.