After giving my public statement time to sit and not think about it, I was rereading it recently. I must admit that I have become the bad guy. I believed J.M and followed her, and others, examples. I hurt ppl that I care about. I have been accused of spreading rumors that originated with J.M. that were designed to hurt and alienate other ppl. ppl I care about. I don't really know how things got so twisted around that I got in that situation. And, I suspect I am far from the only one that she used like this. I am grateful that the person in question believes that I not not do so maliciously, nor with intention of harm. But, I am not going to be able to renew that friendship. This is hard to grasp and something I am really struggling with.
I had to remind myself that I may have been manipulated and isolated, but I wasn't openly attacked. I didn't have ppl on social media and in the pagan community hounding me and saying bad things about me. I wasn't made into a target of a smear campaign like so many others were. Even though I tried to be open minded, fair about everything, and think for myself, I was turned into an arrow. I don't have a clue how it felt to my friends who became targets. I feel guilt, shame, sadness, anger, and fear. I can only imagine how hurt, isolated, and painful it must have been for others. My intention is, to apologize, figure out what I have done, and how to make it right.
If they don't want to talk about it, how do I get resolution on this? And, I think that the “I” in the previous sentence is the clue. It becomes a very slippery slope and a very easy one to turn around and make all about me. It is easy to flip this and say things like:
”Why didn't you let me know, why didn't your friends let me know? How am I going to be able to apologize for something that I don't even know I did? How do I defend myself or my actions if I don't specifically know what I have done?
Notice how many references to myself there where but none in reference to the other person, accept in an accusatory tone? My first instinct is to ask questions like those above. But, they wont do anything to heal the situation if someone doesn’t want to talk about it and has moved on. I don’t have the right to try and force someone back through that kind of pain just because I want answers. That is their choice and they have every right to choose not to speak about the past. I respect that. Even if it is difficult to do, I have to accept that. I have no right to try and make someone speak about anything, let alone painful things from the past. My first rule in life is simple, “Your rights stop when they intrude upon the rights of others.”. I am not sure if there is a way to make things right. I do not have a clue on how that can be done, nor even where to begin. I will ask if there is anything I can do to make it right, and start from there. There may not be an answer for me, but I will try.
As I sort through all of this it boils down to something very simple and inescapable. I am the one who did something that hurt others. I am responsible for my actions, and I have to deal with the consequences. I am the one who needs to try and make it right and apologise for my actions. There is no wriggle room, no deflection, no shifting the blame. I was the bad guy, I was the arrow, and now I have to live with that. I am not really sure how to do that, other than to remember to never be put into this situation again. Talk openly, love fiercely, be honest, and try to do my best. Ask questions, speak my truths, and always be kind. I will learn from this and hope time heals the pain for both of us. That is all I can do at the moment. Trust to time and move forward.
Gatekeeper Jey
