Lessons

There are things you learn in life because you choose to. There are things you learn in life because they are taught to you by others. Then there are the things in life you learn that the universe shows you. Her teachings tend to tilt the world on its side.

I am still in pain. My medications have been doubled and they help. The effect of this is an odd wave of mental disconnect that hits about 4 hours after I take each dose. It does not last very long most of the time. Maybe half an hour to an hour on a good day. It does seem to make time stop though.

Stopping time. Stopping the entire concept of linear movement in a constructed system that separates Now from Then. Only knowing each moment as the only moment and not even being to guess that there may be some other moment that you have passed or that you may go to.  Living in the moment, in that breath, and during that heartbeat. I hate it and love it at the same time.

I can not function like this. I found myself at the store yesterday searching for a binding agent in something I wanted to bake, but I could not use eggs as I was cooking for a vegan. So I thought of some other ideas, and decided to go out and look at a local small grocer a block away. My medications hit that wave while I was there. I can honestly say that I never knew that there were so many different kinds of flour. And, like a five year old I studied them all intently, with wonder and that serious look on my face like children get when they are really thinking about something. I was enthralled by flour and I was not even there to look for it.

I was in a moment where only the flour mattered. I was only thinking about how I could use it, what would it taste like, how would it feel, what would the texture be like, how would it rise, how course would it be....and on and on. Forty-five minutes later Brian called me on my cell phone and snapped me out of my reverie. It was sad to lose that moment, and also relieving. I do not like being washed away from myself without control or consent. It does have some advantages though.

I have started trying to use those feeling and experiences during my meditations.These experiences help me still my mind. When I say "still my mind," I mean to think of nothing, I create a void or blank space and just slow my thoughts until they stop. My conscience hangs there in nothingness. Only that space exists. I can actually stop all of my thoughts, no worries, no bills, no pain, no stress......but only for a handful of seconds. I can still my mind for the space of less than a dozen heartbeats. But I enjoy it and need it to cope with the world at times.

The lesson I see here from the universe is to learn how to take those moments, the ones when I can not even think a single thing due to my medication, and incorporate them into my meditation. This is my lesson and what I choose to do with this struggle. There is another lesson I am learning. The hidden one in the background. That one that makes some people grind their teeth. Patience. Something I have never been good at. Odd is it not? It will take time to learn how to stop time.... Got to love how the universe works. She sure has a sense of humor....